


What Kind of Future

by DarkerParts



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Both of them are hurt, Canon Compliant, Hoshi is sad, I dont know if Ill put a happy ending in this, Im so sorry Hoshi, Jihoon being stupid, Kwon Soonyoung | Hoshi-centric, Lee Jihoon | Woozi-centric, M/M, References to Depression, Slow Burn, Soonhoon - Freeform, This will get heavy as shit, howoo
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-23
Updated: 2019-12-14
Packaged: 2021-02-26 20:08:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,217
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21534508
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DarkerParts/pseuds/DarkerParts
Summary: As if nothing happened, I told myself this is all a dream.When I close my eyes and open them again, I wanted to wake up in relief.-Lee Jihoon, unreleased track.What if afterall this time...Soonyoung suddenly give up?
Relationships: Kwon Soonyoung | Hoshi & Lee Jihoon | Woozi, Kwon Soonyoung | Hoshi/Lee Jihoon | Woozi
Comments: 13
Kudos: 91





	1. Rejection

**Author's Note:**

> Hi? This AU has been sitting on my notes since 2017, 2018? And I don't know I thought it's something that's not going anywhere, but I felt like I should continue it...So uhmm like it or not, here it is?

Jihoon honestly doesn't know how it happened.

At first it was just an unspoken game. The push and pull with soonyoung. The hot and cold attitude. It was easy to let go of his walls when soonyoung is around, but it's as hard when people see that he does that for soonyoung.

So it became a habit instead. Something he brought upon from being too careful infront of people's eyes, from being too careful infront of the cameras. It became a second nature. From curling up to soonyoung's side when they were just trainees, to him suddenly forcing soonyoung out of the studio. From seeking out soonyoung's hand willingly, to suddenly flinch away from every soonyoung's touch. From laughing easily around him all the time, to frowning at him like he can't stand his presence.

In a way he can't. Soonyoung is... _Soonyoung is Hoshi._ A star. Someone bright, someone that deserves to shine. The one that belongs in the middle and the spotlight. The one who radiates warmth and happiness and everything nice.

And it's everything jihoon wanted but he's everything he can't have.

_They're idols._

In a country where being gay is a taboo. Where being in love with your bestfriend is a disgusting thing to do. So he pulled his feelings back. Stand a little taller (as tall as he can get), walls a lot stronger, and pulled away from the person he wanted nothing but be around all the time.

**"That thing. So...not a person but a thing"** the cameras are off. As well as Soonyoung's voice when he plopped down on the small couch tucked in the small studio. Jihoon pretends not to hear. But of course he knows. He panicked at that time he was asked to talk about soonyoung on camera. So he hoped that at least it would be taken as a joke.

And they did. Well some of the kids did.

Seungcheol laughed it off, he has seen the game around him and soonyoung for years. He has been around jihoon for years. So he knew not to take it seriously. But wonwoo would give him a stink eye every now and then, then proceeds to cling to Soonyoung. Off and on cam. Which fans seem to like a lot. The cold wonwoo who pushes away mingyu, is very clingy to soonyoung. Carats scream because of it, his head screams at him because of it. Jun would tease Soonyoung about it consistently, and then would always give Jihoon a thumbs up or a _"that was a good one, ji. Good one"_ but Minghao would kick jun's shin then drape himself on Soonyoung. Wrap his arms around soonyoung, hold his waist, have him in a back hug, curl their hands together, lean his head on his shoulder, sleep on his lap. And Jihoon glares at the opposite direction, his head constantly chatting _"it's supposed to be me. It's supposed to be me. It's supposed to be me!"_. But what get him the most is how Dino became Soonyoung's shadow.

With Jihoon's presence tuck away in the corner, or in the studio, or just in the opposite way of soonyoung, Dino became his shadow. Like a cute puppy following him around. He's always there, in soonyoung's side. While eating, he basks from when soonyoung would feed him. When they watch a movie, he beams when Soonyoung would wrap a blanket around the two of them. When they're practising, he helps soonyoung on teaching the group. He's just everywhere around soonyoung. And he hates it. And he hates himself for it. Because Dino is their maknae. The one seventeen all joked as their kid. His and Soonyoung. Their baby. But it looked like he has taken a favoritism and taken one parent's side. _(something dark tells his brain that it doesn't look like a father-son relationship anymore. Specially now that dino is not a kid anymore. He's not a kid anymore and he's all over soonyoung. And he hates himself for thinking about this)._

 **"I miss you, ji. I really do"** Soonyoung said, snapping him out of his reverie. Something about how Soonyoung said it that took him from his head. It's not said in a mischievous away, or even a longing one. It's deadpanned. With no emotions attached to it. For some reason, his gut twisted ugly. Something about it made his insides cold, and his heart clenched. He finally looked at soonyoung. Only to see him staring, almost absentmindedly, on his closed fist.

 **"Sometimes I think... I'm too much. But sometimes, it's the only way to get your attention. But Ji..."** he stopped... And then looked at Jihoon straight in the eyes.

 **"I swear... I... I'm not giving up on you. I swear I'm not..."** He whispered. And there was nothing in his face, not even in his eyes that usually expresses everything soonyoung feels. Jihoon feels a kind of panic clawing inside. A desperation screaming inside his head _'no, no, no'_. But he kept sitting there, doing nothing.

 **"but i'm tired, ji"** Soonyoung finished. With a smile. A wrong smile. because it looked too... worn out. Too tired. And he is.

 **"then rest"** he croaked for the first time. His throat dry and his voice barely a whisper. Hoping to keep it steady. Soonyoung nodded, as if it's the permission soonyoung need.

 **"I would"** resigned, soonyoung stood up. Putting his closed fist on jihoon's work table. Before looking at him.

**"I'm sorry"**

He said one last time before opening his fist, leaving a simple bracelet on the table before turning around and out of the door. It's not the first, nor the most expensive thing he gave Soonyoung. But it meant a lot to him. He bought it when Jihoon first received his royalty from being seventeen's producer. A simple silver band, with carved stars inside the thin silver and Soonyoung's initials carved outside.

_Jihoon panic._

Honest to God panic. He's so scared of how soonyoung talked, like it's the last time. Like a goodbye. So jihoon grabbed him. Grabbed his wrist and not let go of his sleeves.

 **"only for a time, right? Just a small time?"** he insisted. Desperation clinging in his voice.

 **"...sure, ji"** he answered without looking. Then gently, super gently, like he always is with jihoon -he gently pulled away. Leaving Jihoon alone in the studio.

Just like that. Jihoon, who has been broken all this time. Is left broken again. He stared at the bracelet left on his table, not really picking it up because it would feel like a final decision. A seal to deal. An evidence of Soonyoung's shadow. He wanted to laugh.

_He laughed bitterly._

He's broken. But the joke's on him because he can't blame anyone but himself.


	2. Resolves

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All chapters are actually just short. Because this used to be just a drabble of some sort. I planned to post this in just a one whole story, but then it would be too long. So now it's chaptered, but with short chapters.

A month. It has been a month since Soonyoung came in his studio when he used to go every night. 

A month. Since Soonyoung directed a genuine smile at him. 

A month. Since soonyoung stood arm to arm with him, now there's always a big distance between them. Or a lot of members standing as a wall in between.

A month but Jihoon felt years of pain whenever soonyoung would stand as far away from him as possible. Whenever soonyoung would look and nod and smile at him like a colleague. Like he's not someone important. Like he's not worth a glance and a genuine smile. Whenever Soonyoung would talk to him about dances and choreographies to their newest songs to him, there's gentleness. With Soonyoung, it seems like it's never gone. But there's also coldness. Impersonal. Like he's just talking to one of the staff. To the company. To a producer. Not jihoon.

Jihoon felt years of pain when Soonyoung would laugh because wonwoo made a terrible joke. When seungcheol would praise him because of his brilliant ideas. When the kids would laugh because soonyoung made his usual jokes. When he would fool around with Joshua that consisted of silly faces and silly movements. 

It hurts. When Soonyoung would hold hands with Minghao, or dino, or wonwoo. It hurts when soonyoung is tired and there's mingyu, and seokmin, and seungkwan to the rescue. It hurts when soonyoung would sleep curled beside jeonghan, and jeonghan would pet his hair. And then look sadly at jihoon across the room. Like he knows. It hurts when jun would stay with him through practice times and drag him out when it's free time. And they would disappear for hours. Then return with easy smiles and easy laughs. It hurts. When Soonyoung stopped coming by their second dorm, and stayed to play with hansol and seokmin at the other one. Leaving Jihoon at a cold dorm alone, in his tall ass bed.

It's unfair, Jihoon thinks. Because Soonyoung said he would only rest, but it looked like he's stopping for good.

But Jihoon didn't do anything. He didn't do anything but cry. In the privacy of his studio. In the comfort of his pillow. Or under the shower. He cries. But stood proudly infront of everyone else. As if he's not affected. As if he's okay. Even if he's breaking all alone. He thought he's already broken beyond repair. But as it turned out, _he still can break some more._

It didn't take long before members noticed the distance, the lack of soonyoung around jihoon. And so it comes to this. Jihoon in his studio, with seungcheol and jeonghan (the seventeen parents) inside with him. He's clicking away in his computer, doing his best to ignore the two.

 **"jihoon"** jeonghan sweetly called. As if coaxing a scared animal. He felt how jeonghan started massaging his nape, so he relaxed. A little. Closing off from soonyoung means closing off to everyone too. So he has a hard time looking at the two. But he eventually did. Letting his shoulders sagged. Letting himself to tiredly open himself.

 **"what is it"** he asked, and jeonghan's hand moved from his nape to his shoulders.

 **"let's sit in the couch, yeah? You're hurt all over being in this small chair"** jeonghan said, not really asking jihoon. Before he can even answer, he's already ushering him up gently.

 **"okay"** he whispered, resigned. And he found himself between seungcheol and jeonghan. Like their kid. Which he is. Jeonghan has his arms around his shoulder, tucking jihoon under him. While seungcheol hold both of his hands together with his.

 **"What happened? Tell me?"** seungcheol asked. Squeezing his hands. He swallowed.

 **"I... I don't know, hyung. I don't know"** And before he knows it, tears are streaming down his face. And then he's sobbing. Not the kdrama-looked a like sobbing. But the real ugly kind of sobbing with him curling up on jeonghan's shoulder. Making himself as small as possible.

 **"he said...he said he's tired. Hyung, he's tired. And it's my fault. Hyung, he... He left me"** he sobbed.

 **"I know him. Soonyoung won't give you up. Not like that."** Seungcheol said. But it feels like empty words.

 **"Jihoonie, listen to me. I've talked to him too. And it's hard for him too. It's hard for him to give you space. But he thinks it's for the best. That it's what you want. And I know it's not. But you know Soonyoung."** Jeonghan explained, and he sobbed harder.

 **"but it's not! It's not what I want!"** he yelled, and immediately regretted it. But the two don't seem like to care. Only holding him tighter.

 **"Have you told him that?"** the question halted everything in his brain. Have he told Soonyoung that? How can he tell Soonyoung that? _Stupid soonyoung_. He knows Jihoon more than jihoon knows himself. He should know. _He should know_.

**"Because as far as Soonyoung feels... He felt like... He felt like he forced you too much. That he forced his feelings to you. He felt that you needed space to breathe. So he distanced himself."**

**"No! No that's not..."** and then he finally noticed where he went wrong.

All those times he would pull away. All those times he would hide away. All those times he would push him away. All those times he spent ignoring and neglecting and disregarding soonyoung. It must have hurt so much. And yet that's all he does. 

**"That's not what I want..."** he finished. All fight leaving his body. Because of course, of course he would drive soonyoung away.

**"Then what do you want, ji?"**

**"I....i want him back at my side. I want him to bother me when im alone here. I want him to stay and wait for me so we could go back to the dorms together. I want him to bring me foods so we could eat together. I want him here, hyung. I want him here"** Jihoon sobbed while jeonghan continues to pat his head. He relishes in it, but he also wishes it's soonyoung instead.

**"Then why aren't you saying so? Why are you pushing him away?"**

**"because I'm afraid cheol!"** he stood up then, and jeonghan let him.

**"what are you a-"**

**"oh come on, you're not stupid. Being gay in Korea isn't something easy! We... We just started. Seventeen is finally being recognized. We can't, hyung. What if people found out? What would happen to us? To the group? To soonyoung? We.... I can't be that selfish, hyung"** his two hyungs looked at him pitifully. And he hates it.

 **"come here"** Jihoon obliged and went back to jeonghan's side, curling himself on his arms again.

 **"do you not trust seventeen, jhoonie?"** jeonghan whispered.

**"I do, hyung. I told you. You're all I have"**

**"And you have us, ji."** seungcheol took both of his hands again and kneel in front of him so they would be eye to eye before speaking again- **"We will protect you. No matter what your decision is. Whether to keep it or reveal it. We will stand by you. Help you. Support you. So please, Ji. Take your idiot back"** seungcheol smiled at him. And he wants to smile back. He knows seungcheol isn't lying, he knows. But there's a lot of consequences.

 **"you can't lie to the company, hyung"** jihoon reminded him. Seungcheol has been one of the longest trainees of pledis. Making him know almost all of the staffs. He's close with the vice president, as well as all the managers. And the staffs respects him. But seungcheol just laughed.

**"This is why you have to get out of your cave more, jihoon."**

**"what?"**

**"Everyone knows. Even the vice president. Everyone's betting who would break first."** seungcheol grinned at him. And his mind reeled. Betting on what? On his and soonyoung's relationship? But for what? Don't they know how much harm that would cause to the group, and to the company?

 **"what"** he muttered. Not being able to comprehend what seungcheol was saying. Seungcheol just laughed again, and ruffled his hair.

**"Soonyoung is yours, ji"**


	3. Redemption

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you think this would get better....you're wrong. This is full angsty shit. It would get worse from here. But enjoy...hurting, I guess?

Soonyoung swears that he wasn't lying when he said he would only take a small break from Jihoon. He swears that, that was his original plan. To maybe spent days to himself, and to his other members. He realized how much time he spent with Jihoon that he worries if he's neglecting his other donsaengs. Which proved to be right when they started clinging to him since he left jihoon's side. He felt guilty. He swears, he's just resting. Like what he told Jihoon that night.

But then...

But then he realized, how much he has forced his company to Jihoon. How much he had insisted his presence even if he was not wanted. How much his feelings were all over the place that he's afraid that Jihoon's suffocating.

No wonder Jihoon has been pulling away. No wonder Jihoon has been pushing him away.

He sighed. Loud, and clear, and pained.

Jihoon might not be able to express it verbally, but he did expressed it. In the way he would flinch when soonyoung would touch him. In the way he would kick him out of the studio, or glare at him if he so much come near him.

_How stupid can you get, kwon?_

So he pulled back altogether. To give jihoon his space, to give him what he finally wants. Soonyoung realized he has been selfish, taking and taking and taking. Jihoon's time and space and everything. He now knows that he has acted too much. That he has been unfair to Jihoon.

The members had told him it's not true. That what he's thinking is wrong. Seungcheol and jeonghan sat him through a two hour lecture of how ignoring Jihoon is wrong. And he's not ignoring him. Not really. He's just... putting distance. Joshua and vernon keep on telling him to just talk to Jihoon. And God knows how much he wants to. How much he wants to feed the younger, because it looked like he's skipping meals again. He wants to check on him, but he doesn't want to interrupt him more. He wants to take care of him. But he knows it's not his place to do that. Especially since Jihoon seems to hate that.

But Chan... Chan would keep him updated. Wherever Jihoon is, whatever Jihoon is doing, etc, etc. Chan would keep to his side, without judgement, or advice, or tells him to go back to Jihoon. He's just there, telling him how grumpy Jihoon is to all of them. How many cups of coffee he had for the day. How long he has has been awake. How tired he is. And Soonyoung is so thankful for Chan. Because he still looked out for Jihoon, even when Soonyoung can't.

He remembers how the members joked about it, how Chan looked like his and Jihoon's son. Chan likes to cling to Soonyoung ever since the kid is a trainee. And sure, Chan wasn't that close to Jihoon. But he respects him a lot. Too much. That he would want to tag along when Soonyoung and Jihoon would go out to eat. That he wants to do things that would impress Jihoon. That he would do things to be recognized by his small hyung. And soonyoung knows. He knows that Jihoon does. Jihoon is as fond of Chan as Soonyoung is.

**"Hyung, do you think Jihoon hyung would eat it if we buy him takeout?"** Chan asked besides him, they're on the line at their favorite Chinese restaurant. The performance team took a break so Soonyoung decided to take Chan to buy the performance team some dinner since it looks like they would be at the studio for hours.

**"Is he still in the studio?"** He asked, already thinking of how he would get seungcheol hyung to bring Jihoon the food.

**"Yeah, hyung. Mingyu hyung told me that Jihoon hyung went home at 5 am earlier only to shower then returned back to the studio."** Soonyoung sighed. If only he called pull Jihoon out of that stupid studio, he would wrap him with blankets and cuddle him until the end of time. _Goddammit, Soonyoung._

**"Jun would take the food to him"** Soonyoung told him, remembering how Seungcheol isn't in the company but is out with the other members. Junhui, it is then.

**"Okay, hyung"** Soonyoung sighed. Right, it's not his place to take care of jihoon anymore, maybe it never was. He'll just have to deal with it.

But when they got back to the studio after buying foods enough for a soccer group, it seems like Junhui isn't needed anymore. There, tuck in the far side of the practice room -jihoon is sitting down, back on the mirrors and laptop on his lap. And multiple sweets, chocolates, breads and drinks are scattered to the table on the other side where Minghao and jun is currently feasting.

**"Jihoon hyung!"** chan excitedly went to jihoon's side. Leaving soonyoung frozen at the door with bags of take outs.

**"Hey. I heard you'd be here for a long time...so yeah, i brought you, uhh, foods"** Jihoon said, not really looking at anyone. Making sure that his eyes are staring straight to the laptop in front of him. Soonyoung's heart fluttered. He can see how embarrassed the younger is about the sudden affection.

**"Hyung, you look stupid"** Minghao said in chinese. And he thought it was directed to Junhui. But Minghao was staring straight at him.

**"I can understand that, asshole"** He said and went to put down the foods on the floor.

**"I know"** Minghao said and grinned at him maliciously. He just rolled his eyes, and sat down. Taking the boxes out.

**"Come here everyone, let's eat rice before you eat all those sweets"** he said, and the three performance members immediately sat down in circle.

**"wow, this is a lot. Jihoonie eat with us"** before junhui can even react a crumpled paper was thrown his way.

**"Don't call me that. I'll eat at the dorm later"** Soonyoung knew that's a lie. Apparently, all of them knew since the three others are looking at him now. All of them expecting him to try and convince Jihoon to eat. And God, he wants to. He just wants to stand up, sit beside him and hand feed him if possible. But yeah, he's not wanted. So he shrugged, and continued to eat. But dino has other plans and kicked him. He glared at him, and saw dino glaring at him as well. He sighed.

**"Eat with us, Jihoon"** He said. The other's name unfamiliar in his tongue. He winced at how unconvincing he sounded. Fully expecting for jihoon to refuse.

**"Okay"** He was honest to God surprised that he said yes, and even more surprised that Jihoon sat down next to him. The closest they have been since that day in the studio. He scoots away, suddenly conscious of his heart beating. He's afraid that it's so loud, Jihoon would hear it at how close he is. He was suddenly so nervous, it's making it hard for him to eat. He didn't notice jihoon frowning at him.

**"Here"** He was surprised when Jihoon suddenly put a dumpling on his plate. Like the way he used to, when they still share a meal. Bcos Jihoon doesn't like dumplings. And Soonyoung likes them. He suddenly choked, coughing hard at the sudden movement.

**"Hyung!"** Dino and minghao panicked. But then Jihoon calmly gave him a water bottle, and he jolted when he felt jihoon's hand suddenly patting his back gently.

**"I...I'll be back"** He immediately took the water bottle from Jihoon and went out of the studio. He run to the comfort room and locked himself to one of the cubicles. His hand clutching his chest. Willing his heart to stop pounding hard.

**"Please...please, please stop"** He muttered to himself. Closing his eyes and tried to regulate his breathing to normal. Suddenly wishing to claw his heart out because even though it has been a month, it's still jihoon who can make him feel like that. And to be honest, he feels like it could take ten years, and his heart would still beat for him.

There's something wrong.

Even since that time in the studio three days ago... Jihoon has been everywhere. And he is not complaining. He's kind of relieved, actually. He's relieved that Jihoon is finally spending time outside of his dark studio. He's there when they're practising in the studio, bringing them towels and water and candies. He's suddenly present to their movie nights when they have no schedule, always clutching soonyoung's favorite snack, and throwing it at him once he arrives. He's the first one to suggest on eating out, jeonghan and seungcheol making it impossible for Soonyoung to say no. He always waits for the performance team to finish, and go home with them. Get out of his room, and go to the other dorm to spend time with other members. And soonyoung...he's so relieved. But so, so confused. And so hurt.

He doesn't know why Jihoon has a sudden change of attitude. But he can't help but feel suffocated. He's trying to move on, for fuck's sake. How can he do that when he's suddenly all over the place. Soonyoung doesn't know what to do with himself. With his heart.

**"why are you here. Everyone is looking for you"** He startled out of his reverie when the man in his thoughts suddenly appeared in front of him. He blinked. His heart stopping, before rapidly beating again. It's making his chest hurt. Looking at Jihoon is making him hurt.

**"Ah."** He didn't bother for a verbal reply, because he thinks he can't speak coherently anymore. So he just, gently waved his left hand where a cigarette is left burning. It was comical the way Jihoon's face contorted to a frown. If it was before, he would have immediately felt guilty and laugh his way out. Making exaggerated moves and jokes to cover for his mistake and make Jihoon less annoyed. But that was before. So now, Soonyoung just took another hit. Tilting his head away so that Jihoon won't take most smoke of the cigarette.

**"When did you start again?"** He can hear the anger out of Jihoon's voice. Soonyoung isn't a smoker. But he learned from his Sunbae's how smoking can be relaxing. But he only ever smokes before when the stress is too much. When the pressure is everywhere and his thoughts are all over the place. When the burden is too much and he's crashed from the weight. When he's suddenly faced with a block and he can't make or produce any moves, nor can he dance well. And lately, lately it's been really bad he has been smoking twice a day. He's been receiving shit from all of his members because of it (except seungcheol. Because seungcheol sneaks out too, and smokes with him).

**"Not long"** He shrugged. Dropping the cigarette and stomping over it. He paid Jihoon no attention because even after smoking, his nerves is suddenly stretched and grated. He feels like he's gonna break. He took out a candy, popped it in his mouth and then sprayed sanitizer on his hands. He always brings it with him.

**"let's go back"** He said and tried to move past Jihoon but Jihoon grabbed his wrist. Making him flinched. It has been so long since Jihoon touched him that it burned his skin. He knows it won't leave a bruise, but it feels like another scar to the heart.

**"Soonyoung...that's...that's not good for you"** He heard how Jihoon's voice wavered. He has been listening to him intently half of his life that he knows how Jihoon sounds when he's happy, when he's sad, when he's lying, just, everything. He has Jihoon's voice permanently playing on the back of his head like a song he can't get out.

**"I know"** He said and tried to pull his arm from Jihoon's hold. And Jihoon let go. Soonyoung doesn't know if he should be relieved, or to be hurt. Because his heart is a bitch like that.

**"You're a dancer. The cigarettes would affect your lungs. It'll be hard-"**

**"I know, Jihoon."** He sighed and finally, for the first time, really looked at Jihoon. And almost, _almost_ , break at how the pain is clear on his eyes. He wants to beg, to hold him, to wrap his arms around him just to put that pain away. He has to physically stop himself from gathering Jihoon in his arms. But the thing is, he's not allowed to do that anymore, was he even before? So he steels himself. Clenched his jaw and his fists.

**"Then why are you doing that?"** He can hear it, the sadness, the concern...he wants to believe that there's love somewhere in there as well, but he has to wake up and stop projecting his feelings to the younger.

**"Nothing important. Let's go. They might be waiting for us"** Soonyoung gathered everything in his power to turn his back and walk away.

**"Soonyoung"** He heard him call. Softly, so softly. The voice Jihoon uses when it's just the two of them. When it's midnight and they sneak out to the rooftop and dream of debuting. When it's 2 am and he's waiting for Jihoon to finish in the studio. When it's raining outside, and Jihoon snuggles close to him. He gritted his teeth and continued to walk away.

**"Kwon soonyoung"** it breaks his heart. And he can hear every pieces of it fall down with every steps he takes. He didn't stop.

**"Soonie"**

Like a fucking idiot, his feet stopped on their own. When did he last time called him by that? With that voice? He can't remember. Jihoon used to call him that. Every time, every day. But then he suddenly stopped. Soonyoung didn't mind when he did. He understood. He tried to. Forced himself to. Even tho he felt like some of their closeness washed away when Jihoon did.

He heard footsteps, and suddenly, the younger is infront of him. Eyes shining like he's stopping himself from crying. He keeps on chewing on his lips like he used to when he's nervous. His fists are clenched. His shoulders caving in as if he wants to make himself smaller than he ready is.

**"soonie...am I too late?"** Jihoon asked, whispered. As if he's afraid that if he speak any louder, his voice would break.

**"I don't know what you mean"** he said, putting as much indifference in his voice. Staring straight ahead, refusing to look at how broken Jihoon looked. Because he can feels himself breaking.

**"I...I'm sorry I'm so late"** Jihoon whispered and grabbed his hand. He stumbled away. Suddenly all of his walls, crumbling down.

**"Jihoon...please...what do you want"** He said, and he can't help it when his eyes started to get watery. But he willed himself not to cry.It has been so long. And god knows how much he's trying to hide away the pain, the love. But he can only take so much.

**"I want you back"** Jihoon said...no, pleaded.

**"I know...soonyoung, I know how stupid I was. How wrong I was... I pushed you away. And...hurt you. But soonyoung... I... I need you"** Jihoon is crying now. And it doubles the pain soonyoung's feeling. He thought it won't get worst. But it does.

**"Soonie, I know I made a mistake. But... But you know right? You know how I feel. Soonie... Sonnie you're-"**

**"Nothing. Jihoon. Nothing. We were nothing. I was nothing to you. There must have been a time when you did need me, there must have been a time when I knew how you feel. There must have been a time where you and I were a possibility. But it has gone now, Ji. You... You don't need me. So please stop. Stop talking and just let me go. Stop saying things you don't mean and leave"** Soonyoung doesn't know how he can still speak straight in front of a hurting Jihoon. But Soonyoung knows it has to be done. He doesn't blame Jihoon. He was telling the truth, he was so sure before of what they are and what they could be. But there has been years, and millions of words, and actions in between them that stated otherwise. If Soonyoung let it happen again, he knows he'll end up hurting. And he doesn't want to get to that point where he'll start to hate Jihoon for that. He needs to let go now, so that maybe, in the near future, he'll be able to be his friend again. 

**"Soonie.."**

**"please don't call me that. Just...stop, Jihoon. I'm sorry. Because this is happening. I promised you, that I won't give you up. I know that, and I won't. Let me just... Give my feelings up for you."** He steeled himself and looked at Jihoon, who at this point has his eyes wide.

**"No, Soonyoung please-"** Jihoon tried to step forward but Soonyoung blanched and stepped backwards. And Soonyoung saw the pain in Jihoon's eyes. He seriously hates himself.

**"Jihoon. I Loved you"** He saw how Jihoon inhaled, gasping at the words uttered but Soonyoung just continued.

**"And I know, you did too. But there...there has been a lot of pain between us. I don't want us to end...hating each other for those pain. So please... Let us go now. And give me time. I swear, I'll be back beside you once I move on."** and just like that, Soonyoung felt the heavy burden vanish from his heart. But coldness sipped in the crack, and now he can't feel anything at all. He feels numb. There's nothing, not even remnants of the pain. Just... Emptiness. Soonyoung thought that when he breaks, it'll hurt too much to the point of dying. But when he did break, he just felt...nothing.

**"Don't cry. You don't need me, Jihoon. You'll be okay"** He reached to Jihoon, wiping the tears on his face but Jihoon sobbed louder and suddenly, Jihoon is hugging him.

**"I'm so sorry, soonyoung. Please, I'm so sorry. Don't do this. Please no. Soonyoung, I'll do anything. Everything you say. Just don't leave me."** He caressed Jihoon's back, feeling how Jihoon trembled in his arms.

**"I'm not leaving. I'm just...erasing my feelings for you. So that we could go back to that time where-"**

**"I don't want to go back! I want the Soonyoung you are now! The soonyoung who would come to my studio and bother me. The soonyoung who won't stop clinging to me. The Soonyoung who won't shut up. The Soonyoung who promised to love me for who I am! And im so sorry because I have been selfish. I'm so sorry that I've pushed you away so many times, acted like I didn't want you near me. But it's all I want. You're all I want. Please, I'll be a better person. I won't push you away anymore. Just, just don't change. Don't erase your love for me. I'll work for it if I have to. Soonyoung, please"** Jihoon gripped Soonyoung's shirt, desperately. Pleadingly. But Soonyoung feels void. He hates that Jihoon is crumbling to the mess he is now when he is so strong, so capable. And Soonyoung tried to search within him. Because God knows how much he loved this person. But there's nothing. Not love, not pain, not even sadness. Not even a recollection. Like his feelings are wiped away, leaving a blank paper on its trail. There's just nothing, and he would have been alarmed by this. But he just feels so so tired. He knows he cares for the boy. _But he can't feel it_.

"I'm... I'm so sorry, Jihoon" He said, and he let Jihoon cry on his shoulders.

He let him cry. Until somebody opened the door. And take Jihoon away from him. He watched, as Jihoon refused to let him go, and just stood there as the members claw Jihoon away from him. He watched as Mingyu wrapped Jihoon up and carried him away. He watched his members look between the two of them, and started leaving one by one. Only Wonwoo, chan, and Seungcheol staying.

**"Soonyoung-"** seuncheol stopped mid sentence when he saw Soonyoung blankly looking at the door. His eyes void of anything. He didn't even react when Chan hold his hand, or when Wonwoo put his hand on his shoulder.

And in that moment, Seungcheol is so scared for the boy. Soonyoung is one of the most expressive person he has met. He had watched emotions dance his eyes, and he had watched how he danced with his emotions on his sleeves for everyone to see. But now... All he can see is a blank face. Hollow eyes. Like Soonyoung is nothing but a shell. He fears.

**"Hey... Why don't we go in and rest?"** He tried again. Soonyoung directed his empty eyes on seungcheol and seungcheol felt the panic rising in him when Soonyoung mechanically nodded at him and walked out of there as if nothing happened.

**"Hyung... I... I did't imagine, right? There's... There's something wrong with soonyoung hyungie. I..."**

**"Hey, Chan. Don't worry too much. We'll handle it, okay?"** Wonwoo said, but Chan looked so scared and seuncheol can relate. But he tried to tamper it down and hide it. But the way Wonwoo is looking at him, he knows he's not doing it right.

**"But hyungie is-"**

**"He's just tired, Chan-ah. And we'll all help him when something is really wrong, okay? So don't worry"** He reassured Chan. And then he looked up at the sky, and for the first time in a while, prayed.


	4. Remnants

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, when I said it would get worse. it means it WILL be worse. I'm sad, and depress and currently projecting them to my works. Hihihi.
> 
> But please to anyone who's having a hard time, I hope you have your to go person, or your safe zone.

The members all felt and saw the shift in their group. It wasn't rampant, but it was obvious nonetheless. For anyone outside the group, for example the carats, they won't think anything was wrong. They're idols. They were trained to hide imperfections and emotions in a flowerboy image. They all laugh together, joke together, still move as one when dancing, funny in variety shows, energetic in concerts. But once the curtain is closed, and the lights are off, it was like their group has been doomed.

The members, not wanting to overstep and to make the situation worse, just watched everything on the side. 

They watched how Soonyoung detached himself from his emotions. He's not faking a smile, no. But whenever he does smile, it lacks the brightness it once held. His eyes that showed everything he feels is left empty and dull. Like of a doll. Pretty, but holds nothing. His laughter isn't forced, but it wasn't genuine either. It was just like he was expected to do it, so he does it. He accepts intimacy, let the young ones cling to him. But he doesn't initiate. He reciprocates the action, but it lacks the affection he was once capable of giving. The members all watched him change. From being a boy who has a heart bigger than all of them combined, he became someone who can't even hold the lone piece left behind.

And Jihoon...

Jihoon wanted so badly to shake him. To make those lips curve to its best, to make those eyes shine once again. To hold him, and feel the love he so badly pushed away. He wants to call his name gently, and warmly. Wants to whisper at him _"I'm here, please comeback to me"_ and repeat again and again until Soonyoung claim him.

But he can't. Somehow he can't.

Soonyoung doesn't ignore him. Nor gives him a cold shoulder. He doesn't even avoid him. He just treats him just like nothing happened. Like what they had, and what happened, only exist in Jihoon's mind. Soonyoung talks to him as if he's just one of the members. _Just one of the crowd_.

and Jihoon thinks it's worse.

**"Deflection"** Wonwoo muttered once, after the 96 line went out to eat together in L.A. It has been a while since the four of them just hangout. Especially after the fiasco that happened between Soonyoung and him. Jihoon sometimes felt like drowning with guilty. He knows, of course. If he isn't the cause, then he is the biggest push towards Soonyoung's change.

 **"What?"** Jihoon asked, distracted. Staring at Soonyoung who is writing on his notebook, oblivious. They just finished eating, and while on the way home, Soonyoung has a sudden burst of idea, and stopped right there on the middle of the sidewalk. He took out his notebook and pen, and proceeded to sat down right there and then. Junhui merely shrugged and sat down beside him. While Wonwoo chose to stay with Jihoon, standing on the side watching the two of them talk about their biggest hit.

**"I've been observing him. And I think... it's the best word to describe what Soonyoung is doing right now. He's deflecting"**

Jihoon turned his eyes on wonwoo, letting him know to continue before looking back at Soonyoung.

**_"It won't hurt you if it doesn't exist in the first place._ Jihoon it's not just the feelings he pulled back, he took every memories with him. Can't you see how he has no problem talking to you, being near you, or just looking at you when it affected him so much before? That's because in his defense mechanism-"**

**"He simply decided I'm not important"**

**"Jihoon..."** Wonwoo sighed deeply, **"You know when a person has something bad happen to them to the point of having a trauma? Then this trauma triggers one person's defense mechanism. You know what Soonyoung's defense mechanism is."** Wonwoo explained, and Jihoon nodded slowly. 

**"Disregarding the problem"** Jihoon muttered.

**"The problem is his feelings for you, and the memories that goes with it"** Wonwoo looked at him sadly, even pity. But Jihoon doesn't even deserve that.

He was the one pushed this far, who hurt Soonyoung this much. He was the cause, and now all of them is suffering because he didn't see how he has taken Soonyoung for granted.

Jihoon watched Soonyoung dusted his pants, then helped Junhui stood up. Jun still talking, and Soonyoung just nodding along.

**"His feelings for me doesn't exist."** Jihoon muttered.

**"Jihoon ahhh... I don't think it's only his feelings for you that were erased. I think it's all of his heart"** And with that, Wonwoo walked towards the other two.

-

**"Where's Soonyoung?"** Is the first thing Jihoon asked when he got down to the hotel restaurant.

**"He went out, said he needs to continue what he wrote yesterday but he lacks inspiration. So he's just probably roaming around"** Junhui shrugged and continued eating. Jihoon frowned.

**"Alone?"**

**"He'll be back Ji, just eat"** Jeonghan pulled Jihoon down to the empty seat besides him, but he's still frowning.

**"We shouldn't let him go alone like that, it's dangerous"**

**"Oh now, you care?"** Everyone in the table stopped eating. Even Jihoon himself froze in his seat. He looked at Mingyu who just looked at him innocently before casually eating again.

**"Mingyu-"** Seungcheol tried to warn, but Mingyu just snickered. Before he looked at Jihoon mockingly.

**"You never cared before, why bother now? Let Soonyoung hyung be. He'll comeback. But probably not to you"** Mingyu shrugged, and took his plate. Apparently done eating. But Chan stopped him by blocking his way, and putting a hand on his shoulder.

**"That's rude, hyung. You should apologize. None of us knew what happened between them, and we shouldn't intervene or take sides. Apologize please"**

To everyone's surprise, Mingyu removed Chan's hand on his shoulder and looked at Jihoon straight in the eyes.

**"If you can return back Soonyoung hyung to how he was before, maybe I'll apologize then"** He said in a low firm voice before turning around, leaving silence on his wake.

Nobody seems to shake out from the scene. Afterall, Mingyu isn't one of the members who speaks harshly. In fact, Mingyu is one of their softest member. He looks tough because of his sharp features, and ripped muscles. But he's actually one of the affectionate members. To hear him talk like that, especially to his hyung, Jihoon once again is reminded of how badly he fucked up.

**"I'll talk to him. Continue eating"** Cheol stood up, obviously pissed off at the way the younger behaved. But Jihoon just sighed, picked up his cutlery, and started eating.

 **"Cheol sit down and don't make this a big thing. Let Mingyu be"** He said, carefully picking up his food. He doesn't want to eat. He had lost his appetite. But he doesn't want the members to make this a bigger mess than it already is. So he chewed, and swallowed down the food. And maybe it comes with the words he badly wants to say too.

**"No matter what is the problem, you're still his hyung. He doesn't have any right to say anything like that to you"**

**"Cheol I'm gonna be honest with you. If you're the one who made all the mistakes I did and hurt Jeonghan hyung the way I hurt Soonyoung, I would act like Mingyu as well. Even worse than him. I would cuss you up and down, and make sure you don't forget what you did. Mingyu is Soonyoung's brother, he has every right to be mad at me."** he paused and looked at each of them. **"In fact, all of you have the right to be mad at me. To blame me. To curse me"** He held up a palm when he saw multiple members trying to speak. 

**"I'm not saying this for all of you to pity me, or I'm not asking you to be mad at me. God, you're all I have. But what I did to Soonyoung was unacceptable, I hurt him. I hurt him, cheol. To the point of him breaking apart. And all I did was act as of I'm not dying because of it. I knew what I did wrong, and Mingyu knew too. I would even accept a punch from any of you at this point"** He finished by laughing bitterly, but none of them shares the same sentiment. Some of them look at him sadly, most don't know what to make of the situation. A situation they're all being forced to not choose sides.

Jihoon doesn't even know his tears are already falling until Joshua hands him a tissue.

**"I don't even want him to come back to me anymore. I just want him to be happy. And if it's not because of me, or with me. I would accept that. He dealt with me for years, let me hurt him for years. I think... I think when he decided to let go...I think it's the best decision he has done so far. I've broken him... It's his chance now to break my heart. And I would gladly let him do that"**

By the time Jihoon finished, he smiled at them. His smile is full of the pain he never once wants to burden them, so he took it all alone and acted as the bad guy. He would rather be saw as the villain, the one who hurt Soonyoung. Than to make them feel guilty of the responsibility they threw at him. It was not seventeen's fault that he's pressured more than them. Jihoon was the one who decided to throw away whatever he has with Soonyoung in order to put Seventeen as priority first.

However you look at the picture, however you read the story. It would always come down to Jihoon fucking up. 

This is his roublet, his fault.

and he'll put everything he has to fix it. Even if it means losing his heart.


	5. Reminder

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It took me awhile to update this. I was having a bad relapse to the point I can't even write what I feel, and the constant anxiety attack is tiring me out due to the amount of effort I had to give to prevent it. 
> 
> Also, I'm not good with angst and I lost my phone where the draft of this story is already laid out. I had to start from the scratch ✊✊✊
> 
> Still, this won't get better yet.

Soonyoung stands at the side of the stage, far away enough that he's not being a hindrance to the staffs at the backstage, and so the fans won't be able to see him. But he's close enough that he can see the boy's face and his expressions while he sing.

He doesn't even know why he's there, it just so happens that he was done preparing for their next stage and all he has to do is wait. So he thought it won't hurt to watch his member's solo stage. After all, he heard that it would be a new performance and the song is unreleased. He's curious.

The lights opened and Jihoon was there, right at the center. He always looks so beautiful to Soonyoung's eyes. And for the first time in awhile, Soonyoung can look at him without hurting. He doesn't know how that happened. But after that night, he was finally able to breathe. It's like somebody heard his screams and wishes, and they took pity on him. Now the pain and the longing that had a permanence in his heart and mind is no longer to be found. He can now look at jihoon without wishing for him to look back, he can talk to him without asking for more than his attention, he can be with him as a member and as a friend, without asking to be the owner of his heart. He still can't explain how his feelings vanished, but he doesn't question it and let it happen. After all, it would be the best for everyone, _to him, to Jihoon, and to Seventeen_ , if the feelings are gone. And it is, now.

> _As if nothing happend_   
>  _I told myself that this is all a dream_   
>  _When i close my eyes and open them again_   
>  _I wanted to wake up with a relief_

Soonyoung stared as the boy started to sing, his eyes closed and pain painted on his face. Pain that Soonyoung knew he had put. He doesn't understand why. And if it was the Soonyoung of before, he would have run to him and hug him, sharing his pain. But the Soonyoung of now can only watch the pain dance in his face, because no matter how hard he try and no matter how deep he dig, he can't recollect the feelings he once had.

> _If i can go back in time_   
>  _to our past that didn't line up_   
>  _Rather than calling you roughly, but warmly_   
>  _Would i be able to let you go?_

Soonyoung listened, at the way his voice hold so much emotions. The same emotions that are glazing his eyes as he sings his heart out. Soonyoung looked down on his hands, and whispered,

**"How did we end up like this?"**

_Like this_ , with Soonyoung forgetting the love that was so precious to him. He had hold him close to his heart, had guarded it and treasured it hoping one day it would bloom. But it comes down to this, with those feelings burned to ashes and leaving Soonyoung with nothing. Not even a recollection of the feelings he used to have. 

_Like this_ , with Jihoon full of pain and sadness, something Soonyoung had tried so hard to protect him from. Isn't this the reason why he had let go in the first place? To prevent jihoon from hurting? So that he wouldn't be burdened by the love he can't reciprocate? So that he would be saved from Soonyoung's suffocating presence? So that he won't have to take responsibility over Soonyoung's broken heart? 

**_So why?_ **

Why does it looked like every emotion Soonyoung had -the love, the pain, the happiness, the fear, were sucked out of him and were poured down to the last person he wanted it to be shouldered by?

> _When we weren't over_   
>  _As i held onto whatever was left_   
>  _You let go of me_   
>  _Although i don't want to see you, i miss you_   
>  _Although i hate you, i miss you_   
>  _I don't understand how I feel either_

  
**"Soonyoung"** He looked away from Jihoon to direct his gaze to Wonwoo who was suddenly besides him.

 **"This song...is this about me?"** He asked. Wonwoo looked at him for a long a time. Before nodding slowly.

 **"You know"** Soonyoung nodded, and returned back at watching Jihoon sing to the world just how broken he is. Soonyoung wants to shake his heart, pull it out from his chest and turn it inside out just so he can feel. So he can feel the pain Jihoon is feeling, the love he had once for him, the feeling of being alive. But no matter what he does, he comes up with nothing.

 **"I've loved him so much, won. For so long. But I can't feel it"** Soonyoung put his hand on his chest, right where his heart is supposed to be. Wonwoo looked at him, pained. To see his bestfriend like this, broken to the point of not even being able to recall the happiness he once felt. But he can't blame Jihoon either.

Wonwoo still doesn't understand what happened, why the supposed beautiful love story ended up into a tragedy like this. They were so great together, once upon a time. Wonwoo doesn't know what went wrong but suddenly everything came crushing down. And now all that's left are regrets and reminders of what used to be, and of what it should have been.

> _This waiting_   
>  _Its not easy to endure_   
>  _If i forget someday_   
>  _As if nothing is wrong_   
>  _Even if our future is empty and sad_   
>  _I dont want to forget you_

Soonyoung closed his eyes, and listened to the words that are ringing loud in the place. Jihoon's voice, Jihoon's words, Jihoon's heart. He tried to feel it, to let it stay in the corner of his chest. But they're all empty words to him. He knew that Jihoon had put a part of himself in this song, but Soonyoung can't find it. Can't feel it.

 **"I never wanted to hurt him"** Soonyoung whispered. 

**"It wasn't your fault"** Wonwoo immediately told him. It put a smile on Soonyoung's face. But it felt so wrong. It was a small smile, and definitely an empty one. It hold no resemblance to the bright and warm smile Soonyoung used to give. Wonwoo wanted to hug him, pat his head and back until he can pass his own warmth on him. But that's not how it works. He can just hope, that one day, Soonyoung would be able to find his own self...and with his heart on it.

>   
>  _As our hearts connected,_   
>  _we were happy_   
>  _You, who isn't with me anymore_   
>  _Although i don't want to see you, i miss you_   
>  _Although i hate you, i miss you_   
>  _I don't understand myself as well_

Soonyoung can see it. The tears on Jihoon's eyes as he sings the words out. It wasn't visible to the fans off the stage, nor on the cameras if it weren't zooming in on his face, but it was there. Threatening to spill, but Soonyoung can see how hard Jihoon grips his mic. And how he's trying to hold himself together. He had loved him for years that he was able to memorize all of Jihoon, and it didn't go away simply because his feelings had. 

And he doesn't know what's harder.

Remembering the memories without the feelings attached it, or seeing Jihoon hurt and not knowing what to do despite loving him for years.

>   
>  _What kind of future will we meet at the end?_   
>  _The Heavens didn't give us an answer_   
>  _Until the end, I'm too stupid_   
>  _So i don't know the answer_

  
Right after Jihoon ended the song, before the lights close and the flatform pulled down from the stage, Jihoon looked at the side. Right where Soonyoung is, like his eyes are trained to find his. He saw the surprised on Jihoon's eyes. And then the lights were down. And so does Jihoon's tears.

Soonyoung saw it, but all he did was turn around and reminded himself that it was not his place to care, it never was. What would he do, anyway? He won't be able to offer anything, not even comfort. How can he comfort him when he can't even feel anything? Not even regret... not even guilt.

So he breathe in deep, and stand right at his position. And waited for the cue to go up on the stage. The only place he knows is his, the only place he feels like he belongs.

**Author's Note:**

> Follow me in twitter so you can shout at me the moment this go exaggerated or if you just hate me for hurting them. Or if you want lighter AUs 🥰🥰🥰
> 
> @WeShipAndWeSail


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